NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou