I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly