Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
how to exercise your calf muscles
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
guilty
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”