i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Best spoiler warning ever
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone