“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
You Might Also Like
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
sigh
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.