So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Is this a threat?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Never ghost your hitman.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people