The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]