General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
How wrong was this guy?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.