I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?