Looking at you, Jesus.
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True?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
We need to put an American base on the sun
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The USS B port
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd