No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible