You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
You Might Also Like
so this horse walks into a bar
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
m’lady
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
North and South
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime