I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.