When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
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look at me when i’m typing to you
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Awesome parenting 😂
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.