[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed