Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it