left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.