DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Weirdos gonna weird.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.