My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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Truth
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
#Caturday