REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.