Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
This is a bad sign
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
lost dog
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.