Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here