Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!