Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?