“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
selena gomez
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.