Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Good morning!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire