BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Battery falling down a hole
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle