Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
found this cool rock hiking today
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns