Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Hotels are back
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway