I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen