[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here