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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.