I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
just pretend nothing happened
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.