Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
How actors in movies eat their food
This is hilarious….
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.