me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
SPLOOT
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: