I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Clients after you give them your rates
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious