Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”