Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad