My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin