WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.