SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Spring of Deception
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.