One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Well, shit
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol