If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Love is always patient and kind.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.