I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
real
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
i think we should see other cousins
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit