ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”