Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.