Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
mmm onion ringos
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’m giving up ice.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.