If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Every. Damn. Time.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE