Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I am crying
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”