If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
This anagram machine is out of order.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut